Magic Breakfast Land

Since I've seen it all day during NFL games, I think this counts as sports related...

Every time I see that McDonald's commercial where the little girl asks her parents where breakfast comes from, I always think that it'd be funny if they told the truth rather than come up with some "Magic Breakfast Land."

So...

"Where does breakfast come from?"

"Well, honey, it all starts with the birth of a cute little piglet. You know, like the one in Charlotte's Web? Eventually, after spending most of its life in a cramped feed lot, they send the fattened-up little piggy to a processing plant. That's where the magic occurs. First, they send its soul to piggy heaven. Then they gut it, slice it up into pieces, and turn into the sausage you're eating right now.

Oh, sweetie, don't cry. The pig's life was miserable. You're doing him a favor by eating him. He was probably counting down the days until he could put a smile on the face of a happy McDonald's customer. The moment they ran that blade across his neck was the first time he'd been happy since the day he was born. Plus, if God didn't want us to eat pigs, he wouldn't have made them taste so good.

And do you remember that time we went to the petting zoo and you saw those cute little baby chicks? Remember how you wanted to take one home so bad and we wouldn't let you? Well, the egg in your breakfast could have become one if you hadn't eaten it. So, in a way, you get to take one home now.

But, the bad news is that if you really cared about chickens you'd have ordered a chicken sandwich rather than the egg. At least then the mother hen would have felt the sweet kiss of death rather than being kept barely alive, standing around in its own filth and longing for the day that its egg production goes down enough to make it no longer worth keeping around.

Oh no, no, honey. You're not a terrible person. Chickens are actually really dumb. They have no idea what's going on. I gave them feelings they probably don't have. I was just having fun. Pigs, on the other hand, they're pretty smart. Though, I guess they're not quite smart enough or I wouldn't have just finished my second sausage biscuit.

So, to answer your question, breakfast comes from dead animals and unborn baby chickens...aren't you gonna finish that sausage?"